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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26355016">Malicious Lump in My Throat</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/OutlawLord/pseuds/OutlawLord'>OutlawLord</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>"I love you." [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Established Relationship, Fluff, Iwaizumi Hajime is Bad at Feelings, Iwaizumi Hajime is a Good Boyfriend, M/M, Oikawa Tooru is a Good Boyfriend, Some angst, im sorry, it's immediately resolved tho, they just really love each other, updates irregularly</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 05:15:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>15,476</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26355016</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/OutlawLord/pseuds/OutlawLord</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Iwaizumi says "I love you" all the time, just... differently. Oikawa appreciates it nonetheless.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kindaichi Yuutarou/Kunimi Akira, Minor or Background Relationship(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>"I love you." [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1933534</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>190</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. "You're such an idiot."</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Iwaizumi sighs as he enters his room. He tosses his bag to the side carelessly and throws himself onto his bed. He sighs again as he turns onto his back, clasping his hands over his chest. He hear his heart beating in his ears, his hands moving up and down with every thump. His face is red, he can feel it. He groans and squeezes his eyes shut, the scene that occurred right before he parted ways with his boyfriend playing over and over again in his mind's eye.</p>
<p>"I love you," Oikawa had said, as if it was the easiest thing in the world. "I love you," with all that sincere emotion in his eyes, smiling so brightly at Iwaizumi. "I love you," as if it was that easy. "I love you," someone as beautiful, as perfect, as strong as Oikawa, loving him. Oikawa, who has seen him in all his moments, who he has seen in all his moments. They've been through their best and worst together, and Oikawa loves him.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi had been stunned into silence. He couldn't force himself to make any sort of sound. Oikawa's smile had softened, but there was something in his eyes that looked suspiciously close to pain when he whispered, "You don't have to say it back," against his lips before they went their separate ways.</p>
<p>"Goodnight," he had shouted after Oikawa, almost too late. The man had turned around with a smile so big that he could see even from where he was standing. He waved with too much energy after the practice they just had before skipping away, visibly lighter than before. Iwaizumi felt an indescribable amount of relief at the happiness his boyfriend emitted, that he felt from so far away.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi can't stop thinking about the flicker of pain in Oikawa's eyes. "You don't have to say it back," even if he clearly wanted him to. <em>Do better, Hajime.</em></p>
<p>Iwaizumi opens his eyes, and his alarm is ringing. He had fallen asleep while thinking of Oikawa. The spiker groans as he slams his hand down harshly on the clock, and again when he pulls himself out of bed. He has a brief moment of panic when he can't remember doing homework once he got back, but he soon realizes that he had done all his homework during lunch, and his last two periods hadn't assigned anything. Iwaizumi smiles proudly to himself. He grabs his bag from where he tossed it last night and heads into the living room.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi's father is sitting at the table already. "Aren't those yesterday's clothes?" the man asks, gesturing with his hand towards Iwaizumi's wrinkled uniform. Iwaizumi growls in the back of his throat, dropping his bag and dashing up the stairs. The annoying sound of his father's chuckle follows him.</p>
<p>When he comes back down, wearing a uniform so crisp Oikawa would be proud, his mother is setting the table for breakfast.</p>
<p>"Good morning," she greets, smiling. She watches him happily as he eats the eggs, bacon, and rice, and when Iwaizumi raises a questioning brow at her, she says softly, "You're always out the door so early, and I always get home so late. I miss watching you eat my food so happily." Iwaizumi can't help but smile with her at that.</p>
<p>"I miss eating your food," he says, matching her volume. It feels embarrassing, to say that to his mother when he's in high school, but his mother looks so happy that he can't bring himself to regret it.</p>
<p>Just as Iwaizumi is about to exit the door, his mother suddenly says, "Oh, Hajime, it's supposed to rain right around the time your practice ends. Don't forget your umbrella!" Iwaizumi grabs it quickly, yelling a quick word of gratitude before going outside.</p>
<p>Oikawa is just rounding the corner of their usual meeting place when Iwaizumi spots him, and seeing his face as he's lost in thought makes the memories of their last conversation rise to the forefront of his mind again.</p>
<p><em>I love you. You don't have to say it back.</em> He was hurt, why didn't you say it back, your silence hurt him, why didn't you say it back, <em>why didn't you say it back?</em></p>
<p>Oikawa spots him when Iwaizumi's just a few steps away, and his eyes light up like a Christmas tree. "Good morning!" he greets brightly, instantly looping his arm around Iwaizumi's, and the latter feels all bad thoughts clear from his brain. How could he be negative about anything, when his very own star is right next to him, cuddling into his side?</p>
<p>They walk to school with Oikawa filling the silence with chatter about anything and everything, Iwaizumi occasionally cutting in, either to agree, or to yell that he's wrong. One would think that after so many days of talking like this, that they'd run out of things to talk about, but it never happens. It's fun. Iwaizumi loves talking to Oikawa.</p>
<p>They sit next to each other in class, and they keep talking until the teacher loudly and pointedly clears his throat, effectively stopping all conversations.</p>
<p>The day passes normally, and they eat lunch with some of the other members of their team. They discuss things they might want to try out at practice, and gossip about their other teammates. Makki and Mattsun start a bet as to when the first years Kindaichi and Kunimi are getting together. Iwaizumi calls the bet stupid, but still joins in, claiming that they'll confess when they graduate. Oikawa teases him, saying that he made that bet just so that they all have to stay in touch to confirm the bet. Iwaizumi flicks his boyfriend in the head but says nothing to refute him.</p>
<p>Oikawa knows him the best, after all.</p>
<p>Practice goes well, and the new things that they discussed during lunch seemed to work. All in all, Iwaizumi feels pretty satisfied with himself.</p>
<p>They all step outside, heading for the changing room, when the first drop of rain falls. Someone, probably Makki, yells overdramatically, "Take cover!" and he and Mattsun start dashing towards the changing room hand in hand, laughing all the while. Soon, they have the rest of the team running after them, screaming as if it's raining acid instead of water. Oikawa is running too, laughing freely in a way that Iwaizumi didn't realize he missed, even though he's heard that laugh a billion times by now. Iwaizumi runs extra hard to catch up, and then grabs the setter's hand tightly before pulling him forward towards the room. Iwaizumi's face is alight with embarrassment, but when he chances a look over his shoulder, Oikawa's eyes are wide, as if he's just seen the second coming of Christ. Iwaizumi thinks he can handle a little embarrassment for Oikawa to stare at him like that again.</p>
<p>They end up reaching the room just before Kindaichi, who is dragging along an unamused Kunimi. Oikawa, breathless, laughs airily before changing. They're all slightly damp at most, but if they go outside again right now, they'd be completely soaked in a few seconds. Iwaizumi finishes changing and calls to Oikawa, "I'll be waiting at the front gate." The captain nods, and Iwaizumi opens his umbrella and walks leisurely to the gate.</p>
<p>He's only left waiting for a minute before something extremely cold and wet runs into him from behind. Iwaizumi, though he vehemently denies it afterwards, lets out a high-pitched yelp. He quickly turns around to see a dripping Oikawa.</p>
<p>"I forgot to bring an umbrella," Oikawa laughs, but his teeth are chattering too much for it to sound humorous. Iwaizumi brings the arm holding the umbrella around the taller boy's shoulders, pulling him close to his own body. "You're getting your uniform wet," he mumbles, but Iwaizumi ignores him.</p>
<p>"You're such an idiot," Iwaizumi whispers into his boyfriend's ear as they begin to walk. Oikawa's peaceful smile turns into a smirk.</p>
<p>"Aw," he coos, "you care!"</p>
<p>"Shut up before I leave you in the rain to catch a cold."</p>
<p>"Mean, Iwa-chan, mean."</p>
<p>Iwaizumi forces Oikawa to come over to his house, where Oikawa changes into Iwaizumi's warm clothes, and they cuddle on the couch until Iwaizumi's parents get home.</p>
<p>"I love you, Iwa-chan," Oikawa whispers as he's leaving. He holds Iwaizumi's umbrella over his head, the rain still pouring.</p>
<p>"You're such an idiot," Iwaizumi repeats, but he leans in to kiss Oikawa, and when he finally pulls back, he can see in his boyfriend's eyes that he knows what he means.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi goes to sleep with his head full of Oikawa for the second night in a row. He's much happier than last time, though. He dreams of a bright smile and a brighter laugh.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. "You're beautiful."</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Iwaizumi wakes up with Oikawa tucked into his side. The additional body heat, paired with the extremely fluffy comforter that Oikawa absolutely loves, makes Iwaizumi feel like he's going to get heat stroke and die in a few seconds, but he stays for a little while anyway. It's not often that he's allowed to simply stare at his boyfriend's face, without being teased by friends or expanding the setter's already monumental ego.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi turns his head to face Oikawa, mindful to not jostle him in any way. He looks peaceful in his sleep in a way that he never is while awake. A small content smile graces his soft lips. Iwaizumi knows this feeling in his chest, knows the warmth on his face. He can feel himself about to do something stupid.</p>
<p>Just as he’s leaning in to close the few centimeters between their mouths an alarm goes off, and the other boy groans as he is pulled into the land of the living. Thankfully, his eyes remain closed as Iwaizumi makes his hasty, shameful escape back to his side of the bed.</p>
<p>“Turn it off,” Oikawa mumbles, shoving his face into the crook of Iwaizumi’s neck. “It’s the weekend, we don’t need to be anywhere, and my parents are probably out so we don’t have to worry about them walking in on us. Turn. It. Off.” Iwaizumi lazily swings his arm and slaps the alarm to make it shut up. Oikawa huffs a satisfied little breath and cuddles closer to his boyfriend, before suddenly snapping up, startling Iwaizumi just as he had started to relax into the bed.</p>
<p>“We’re meeting up with Makki and Mattsun for lunch today,” Oikawa explains once he sees Iwaizumi staring questioningly at him.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi groans and allows himself to sink deeper into the mattress as he practically growls out, “Lunch. In a few hours.”</p>
<p>Oikawa grabs Iwaizumi, and with a surprising amount of strength, pulls him out of the bed, forcing Iwaizumi to either get up or fall flat on his face and have Oikawa laugh at him for an hour.</p>
<p>Much to Oikawa’s disappointment and Iwaizumi’s relief, he sticks the landing. They walk together to the bathroom, standing next to each other in front of the mirror while brushing their teeth. Iwaizumi looks at the slightly taller boy and imagines for a few seconds that they’re adults, and that they found a nice house together, and this is simply their daily routine. He stares at Oikawa out of the corner of his eyes, trying to imagine what he would look like in his twenties, thirties, forties, trying to imagine spending the rest of their lives together. It’s startlingly easy to.</p>
<p>Oikawa catches him staring, making eye contact with him through the mirror. The shorter boy can feel his face warming, and Oikawa somehow manages a smug smile, even around the toothbrush still stuck in his mouth.</p>
<p>They rinse out their mouths, and Oikawa asks gently, “What were you thinking about?”</p>
<p>Iwaizumi rolls his eyes overdramatically, making a show of his annoyance. Oikawa smiles like he knows it’s all an act. After so many years together, of course they know when the other’s lying. “I was thinking about you,” Iwaizumi says reluctantly, “idiot,” he adds as an afterthought.</p>
<p>Oikawa smiles, too bright and energetic for the morning. Iwaizumi wonders for a brief moment what such a perfect being sees in him, before watching Oikawa scream and squeak out a high-pitched “Iwa-chan!”, practically falling over himself running away and putting Iwaizumi in between him and what upon closer inspection is a harmless house spider.</p>
<p>Ah, Iwaizumi thinks. This is why. Hajime the Spider-Whisperer.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi grabs the poor spider by one of its legs before landing it on his palm, where it scuttles all over his hand and starts crawling up his arm. Oikawa screams again, horrified, and Iwaizumi thanks whatever deity exists that Oikawa’s parents are health nuts who go for morning walks every day, lest they start screaming bloody murder at the sound of Oikawa’s fear.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi walks to the kitchen, Oikawa following behind him slowly, and opens the window to drop the spider outside. Iwaizumi closes the window, then, and makes sure Oikawa is watching as he locks it again.</p>
<p>“You’re safe now,” Iwaizumi jokes, “Big bad spider will never bother you again.”</p>
<p>Oikawa grumbles, “Until we go outside and find him with all his little spider friends and they gang up on us because he’s mad we threw him outside.” Iwaizumi can’t hold back a fond chuckle at his boyfriend’s ridiculousness, and Oikawa pouts.</p>
<p>“I’m making breakfast!” Oikawa declares, shoving Iwaizumi out of the kitchen.</p>
<p>“Bull, you’re pouring Honey Nut Cheerios into a bowl and calling them ‘Cheerios al miele’, which, by the way, I know you got from Google Translate.”</p>
<p>Oikawa turns towards the kitchen after he’s successfully pushed Iwaizumi out with a flourish that tells Iwaizumi that if there was a door to the kitchen, it would have been slammed shut. As it is, Oikawa is stomping over to the cupboard like a child throwing a tantrum, Iwaizumi watching bemusedly. “Just for that, I’m not even going to give you Honey Nut Cheerios. I’m going to give you plain Cheerios. They’ll be bland, and taste like cardboard, and you’ll regret ever mocking my Cheerios al miele.”</p>
<p>Iwaizumi takes his seat (and isn’t that a wonder, to have his own seat at Oikawa’s house), and despite his earlier words, Oikawa brings with him two bowls of perfectly delicious Honey Nut Cheerios.</p>
<p>“Kiss the chef,” Oikawa jokes as he places the bowl in front of him. Iwaizumi hesitates for half a second but rises with Oikawa to kiss him on the cheek.</p>
<p>“Thanks for the Cheerios al miele, head chef,” Iwaizumi whispers, before he’s suddenly overcome by how embarrassing what he just did was. He drops back down into his seat and buries himself in his cereal, too caught up in his own panic to notice how bright red Oikawa has also become as he silently slides into the seat opposite of Iwaizumi.</p>
<p>They finish their breakfast in comfortable silence. There are still three hours until it is time to meet Makki and Mattsun for lunch, time that they spend playing video games and watching Netflix. The alarm on Oikawa’s phone goes off, and they simply grab their wallets, and Oikawa his keys, before they leave.</p>
<p>When they arrive at the train station, where they had agreed to meet up, the other two are not there. Oikawa and Iwaizumi loiter around the entrance to the place for ten minutes, Oikawa complaining all the while about Makki and Mattsun being late. At the ten minute mark, Iwaizumi finally breaks and texts the pair.</p>
<p>“I don’t know why you’re making me message them when you have a cell phone that would work just as fine,” Iwaizumi grumbles as he sends a quick text to the seniors’ group chat.</p>
<p>Five more minutes pass before they get a response. In that time, the pair had settled down in the coffee shop right next to the station, Oikawa with his frappuccino, Iwaizumi with a double espresso.</p>
<p>“‘Sorry, I had forgotten that I have something to do today, maybe tomorrow,’” Iwaizumi reads aloud, Oikawa still too lazy to take out his phone. “That was Makki. Mattsun says, ‘I’m helping. Sorry again.’”</p>
<p>Oikawa giggles into his drink and says under his breath, so that only Iwaizumi can hear, “They’re totally having s-”</p>
<p>“Shut up,” Iwaizumi interrupts, blushing slightly. Oikawa finally pulls out his phone, but he has a mischievous smile that looks beautiful but tells of bad fortune if Iwaizumi doesn’t stop the cause of that smile immediately. “What are you doing?”</p>
<p>Oikawa smiles innocently, but Iwaizumi simply glares harder. “I’m just going to ask them if they’re-”</p>
<p>“Oh my god, Tooru, please-”</p>
<p>“It’s happening! It’s happening!”</p>
<p>Oikawa frantically texts while dodging Iwaizumi’s hands, both of them flailing all over the place as much as they can while remaining seated. Iwaizumi usually would be against such embarrassing behavior, but it’s kind of fun, so he can’t really bring himself to care.</p>
<p>“And sent!” Oikawa declares with a victorious smile. Iwaizumi groans, but he’s smiling too.</p>
<p>The light of the sun coming through the window right next to where they’re sitting reflects off of Oikawa’s eyes, making them look like they contain stars. His smile is wide, his happiness written all over his face. He looks so happy, so content, so…</p>
<p>“You’re beautiful,” Iwaizumi says, before he can stop himself. He feels his cheeks warm, but he steadfastly ignores the urge to take the words back. Oikawa’s not smiling anymore, his pretty lips forming a small “o”, eyes wide with surprise.</p>
<p>A few seconds later and Oikawa’s smiling again, not as big, but warmer, sweeter. The love shines in his eyes. He’s also visibly holding himself back from teasing, which Iwaizumi silently appreciates, because he knows that if he’s teased right now, he’ll leave the shop and go back home, and he really likes it here with Oikawa. Maybe it’s more because of the company than the shop. Maybe everything’s about Oikawa.</p>
<p>“I love you,” Oikawa whispers, and that’s the second time, and Iwaizumi’s heart is beating hard, like after a game-winning spike, and he feels the exact same way, like he’s on top of the world and there’s no way he’s ever falling. Oikawa says “I love you” and it feels like flying.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi tries to say it out loud, opens and closes his mouth like a flying fish, but there’s a lump in his throat that won’t let the words past it. He settles for staring intently at Oikawa, hoping that his eyes convey everything he can’t say. Oikawa smiles the same smile he gets when he sets him the winning spike, and Iwaizumi knows he gets it.</p>
<p>They both smile into their drinks, and Iwaizumi silently thanks Makki and Mattsun for not being there, no matter the circumstances that had brought about the situation.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. "I miss you."</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Oikawa’s been acting a little off. It was hardly noticeable at first; he still smiled the same smile, he played the same as always, and he was constantly energetic in that unnatural way that never fails to make Iwaizumi think for one second that maybe the reason that Oikawa has his heart set on aliens being real is that he’s one of them. Still, it’s in all the little things he does. His smile never really reaches his eyes. He plays well, but he’s not completely focused on doing the best he can. Worst of all, he’s avoiding Iwaizumi.</p><p>Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, Iwaizumi can admit that to himself. But, he’s still slightly concerned. On their walks to school, Oikawa always clings to his arm, and Iwaizumi lets him, as long as no one else is on that street. Oikawa’s always there whenever he turns his head, fiddling with his phone, playing with a volleyball, or sometimes just watching him, a gentle smile on his face that Iwaizumi thinks Oikawa probably doesn’t notice. But he’s not there anymore, at least, not really. When they walk to school, Oikawa stays a respectful distance away. When they’re in class, Oikawa is always staring ahead at the blackboard (which Iwaizumi shouldn’t really be complaining about because he’s been nagging at Oikawa for years to pay more attention in his classes, but here they are.) During breaks, Oikawa gets a faraway look in his eye, like he’s retreated into the recesses of his mind. It’s always Oikawa that starts the conversations. Iwaizumi finds himself thinking hard about what he should say, trying to force words, any word at all, out of his mouth. There’s a lump stuck in his throat, though, and he’s never been nervous about talking with Oikawa but he’s nervous now, when Oikawa might be needing him to start the conversation the most.</p><p>The moment it feels like his throat’s cleared, the bell rings, and Oikawa throws him a small, disingenuous smile before hastily walking away. Iwaizumi is hit with a pang of loss. He feels cold.</p><p>It’s Wednesday, and Iwaizumi’s parents have gone out to some fancy restaurant because his father is treating some bigshots in his field to dinner. Iwaizumi invites Oikawa over, and the other boy looks like he wants to decline, but there must be something desperate showing on Iwaizumi’s face because Oikawa gives him that cruel mockery of his normal smile and acquiesces.</p><p>They’re just hanging out on Iwaizumi’s bed as usual, but the silence is uncomfortable, so Iwaizumi turns on the playlist that Oikawa had made him several weeks ago.</p><p>After a few songs run their course, Oikawa’s head snaps up. “This is my playlist,” he says, as if he’s surprised. Iwaizumi raises an eyebrow.</p><p>“No,” he grunts, “you gave it to me, so now it’s mine.” Iwaizumi glances at Oikawa again, and he’s got wonder in his eyes, and happiness, and that something else that Iwaizumi hopes Oikawa sees in his eyes too.</p><p>“You listen to it?” Oikawa asks, and Iwaizumi almost thinks he sounds shy. Iwaizumi nods.</p><p>“Every day,” he confirms, and it’s a little bit embarrassing to admit, but he finally sees Oikawa smile from his eyes, and he thinks it’s worth a little blushing.</p><p>Oikawa sighs happily, and a tension that Iwaizumi hadn’t noticed in his shoulders suddenly relaxes.</p><p>Iwaizumi’s mouth opens and closes as he works hard to shove words past that really inconvenient lump in his throat. This time, there’s no school bell to interrupt him, and Oikawa doesn’t seem as keen to leave his presence either.</p><p>“What was wrong?” Iwaizumi finally asks, voice so small that he wonders whether Oikawa heard him over the music. Oikawa stares at him quizzically. So that’s a no then.</p><p>Iwaizumi pauses the music, then forces out, “What was wrong?” This time, his voice is too loud, and it almost echoes in the otherwise silent room. Iwaizumi’s face is completely flushed, and he wants to crawl into a hole and die.</p><p>Oikawa laughs at him, but he has the decency to do it silently so Iwaizumi can bury his face in his hands and pretend nothing happened. “You know,” Oikawa says, sounding too casual to be real, “You’re so loud when you’re angry, but you’re surprisingly shy when it comes to relationships.” Iwaizumi curls in on himself even further, and he can feel his ears burning now, too, in full view of his boyfriend. Oikawa huffs, fond more than annoyed, and forcibly pulls Iwaizumi out of his balled-up position.</p><p>“It’s not a bad thing,” Oikawa smiles, kissing him softly. Iwaizumi won’t ever admit it, but he melts a little against the setter’s lips. “I like it, when you get all embarrassed talking about feelings. It’s cute, and it’s you.”</p><p>How does he say such embarrassing things with such a straight face?</p><p>“You’re not answering my question,” Iwaizumi grunts, and he summons up all the loneliness and frustration from the past few days of being ignored. He won’t allow Oikawa to distract him. Not from something that feels this important. “You’ve been off all week. Why.” It’s not a question, it’s a demand. Oikawa knows this, and he sighs, defeated.</p><p>It’s now Oikawa’s turn to flounder for words, and Iwaizumi reaches out to hold Oikawa’s hands while he waits. Oikawa always says he likes holding hands.</p><p>Iwaizumi's never been that good at listening to what Oikawa wants, has he? He squeezes his boyfriend's hands in what he hopes is a reassuring manner.</p><p>“It…” Oikawa starts, but shakes his head, changing his mind. “It’s nothing, it’s stupid.”</p><p>“No, it’s not,” Iwaizumi immediately refutes. “I know what you're like when you’re being overdramatic, or stupid, and this isn’t it. Something’s wrong, and I want you to tell me.”</p><p>“Why do you want to know so bad?”</p><p>Iwaizumi halts at this. He’s doing a lot of blushing today, and he resolves to himself that tomorrow, if they’re back to normal by then, he’ll do all the things he knows makes Oikawa blush. Just as payback, and definitely not because he thinks blushing Oikawa is very pretty.</p><p>“I…” The embarrassment chokes him for a second, but he pushes through. “I miss you.” Oikawa tilts his head, fixing him with a questioning stare. “You’re there, but you weren’t… there.” Iwaizumi realizes he’s unconsciously has tightened his hands around Oikawa’s, and he relaxes his grip again. He trains his eyes on their hands, not daring to look at Oikawa.</p><p>Oikawa laughs, but it sounds a bit forced. “What does that even mean?”</p><p>“When we walk in the mornings, you always… you always hold my hand, or put your arm around mine, or something…”</p><p>Oikawa’s eyes go wide. “I-... I thought I might have been annoying you,” the captain admits uneasily, pulling his hands away from Iwaizumi's. Why do his hands suddenly feel so cold? “I didn’t want to push too far. You just always complain about it so I… stopped.”</p><p> “Well don’t!” Iwaizumi snaps. “I like you because you’re you, and you shouldn’t let anyone change you, least of all me!” Oikawa blinks once, twice, rubs his eyes, pinches himself, squeezes his eyes shut, opens them slowly, and Iwaizumi is still there, glaring indignantly at him. “Don’t change,” he whispers, after he’s calmed down a little, and Oikawa nods.</p><p>The setter opens his arms, and Iwaizumi shoves his face into his boyfriend’s chest aggressively. Oikawa pats his back consolingly, and it’s stupid how safe Iwaizumi feels, bent over awkwardly, in a position that's sure to make his body ache like an elderly man's, surrounded completely by Oikawa. He breathes in deeply through his nose, and lets out a small noise when he exhales.</p><p>Iwaizumi blames it on the awkward angle. Just in case anyone asks.</p><p>Oikawa says under his breath, every syllable vibrating through Iwaizumi’s entire body, “Iwa-chan, I love you a lot. I really, really mean it.”</p><p>Iwaizumi feels like he’s choking on a boulder. “I… I missed you.” Oikawa hums, and Iwaizumi tells himself, <em>he understands, he has to understand, he understands.</em></p><p>Iwaizumi removes himself from Oikawa to turn the music back on, before shoving Oikawa into lying down on his bed. He then joins Oikawa, throwing his arm across Oikawa’s body. The setter laughs airily, before grabbing onto the arm covering him and relaxing into the bed.</p><p>Staring at the side profile of his boyfriend’s smiling face, Iwaizumi thinks, <em>I love you, I love you, I love you.</em></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. "Stay."</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Iwaizumi hates being sick. It means he falls behind in school, he can’t go to practice, and worst of all, he can’t spend time with Oikawa. It’s why he makes it a point to always make sure he’s wearing heavy jackets and scarves that are “super duper ugly and unflattering, Iwa-chan,” whenever winter rolls around.</p><p>So why in all the nine circles of hell is he stuck in bed right now, burning up in a fever, with eyes so puffy he looks like he’s been sobbing non-stop for a week? Iwaizumi tries to think back on the past forty-eight hours, trying to remember anything, anything at all, that might have led to him being in this predicament. He’s having trouble concentrating on anything. All his thoughts feel fuzzy, like a layer of that not-quite-soft synthetic cotton that just doesn’t feel right veiling his brain from the rest of him.</p><p>Iwaizumi frowns when he notices a bowl of soup next to the alarm clock on his bedside table. It’s still a little warm, he finds once he gathers up enough energy to sit up and reach out to cup the bowl in his hands. The clock reads 10 AM in blinking red letters, and staring at it for too long gives him a headache. He has vague memories of his mother bringing him the soup, reassuring him that she’s called someone to tell them that they’re sick. Iwaizumi’s pretty sure she called the school. No one else would make sense. Then again, nothing much is making sense.</p><p>Iwaizumi recalls when he was a really little kid, and he had gotten sick. His mother had stayed home with him, and she had read him stories to help distract him from the boredom he felt, being confined in his bed when all his little body wanted to do was run around outside with Tooru-kun, catching bugs, or playing with the weird looking ball that his father had dug up from the garage, the ball’s name always escaping little Hajime’s mind.</p><p>When had Tooru become Oikawa, Iwaizumi wonders to himself, slowly sipping at the room temperature soup. It comes to him in a flash; fourth grade, a group of boys, his friends, taunting him and Oikawa for being so close. “What are you, gay?” they had teased, and Iwaizumi had screamed, no, I hate him, and before he could do anything to take back those words, Oikawa had disappeared. “I’m sorry, Oikawa,” he had said, several weeks later, and Oikawa had responded with a bright, fake smile and an “It’s alright, Iwaizumi-kun!” They rebuilt their friendship until their bond was just as strong, maybe even stronger, than that time. In their first year of middle school, Oikawa started calling him “Iwa-chan,” and Iwaizumi’s brain screamed, no, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. His heart screamed please, let me be the only one you call like this. Let me be special to you. Please, please, please.</p><p>Iwaizumi dreams of his fourth grade friends. “What are you, gay?” one of them asks, but it’s Makki’s voice coming out of that child. Iwaizumi says proudly, “Yes,” and Oikawa, who is not in fourth grade, smiles at Iwaizumi, who is also not in fourth grade anymore, and that smile is so fond, so, so fond.</p><p>“Oh good, ‘cause we are too,” says another fourth-grade boy, and hey, that’s Mattsun, isn’t it? Iwaizumi turns to Oikawa to say something, probably to ask why Makki and Mattsun’s voices are coming out of fourth graders, but Oikawa’s a fourth grader now, too.</p><p>He says, in his teenage voice, “Wake up.”</p><p>“Iwa-chan~!” is the first thing he hears when he’s coherent enough to hear anything.</p><p>“I dreamed you were a child,” is the greeting that tumbles out of his mouth. Iwaizumi opens his bleary eyes, and Oikawa looks a little disturbed. His other two third-year friends are also there, and they’re holding back their laughter. “You were children, too,” Iwaizumi adds, just to make it fair. Now all three of them stare at Iwaizumi, put out by his strange dream.</p><p>Mattsun places a paper bag of something warm on his stomach, and Iwaizumi stares questioningly at him. “Food,” he declares. “Courtesy of some of the kouhai who missed you during practice.”</p><p>“Even Mad Dog pitched in,” Makki adds, almost reverently. “I aspire to be respected by him as much as he respects you.”</p><p>“He may be Mad Dog, but he’s an adorable wittle puppy where you’re concerned,” Oikawa says teasingly. “Ah, my kouhai are all so cute.”</p><p>Iwaizumi feels a flare of emotion that shall not be named at this, and, against all his better judgement, grinds out, “I’m cute, too.”</p><p>The three teammates stare at each other in shock, before simultaneously turning to stare at Iwaizumi. He knows he should be embarrassed, but the cotton in his brain is making him not care.</p><p>One of them, Iwaizumi can’t be sure which, asks, “What?”</p><p>“I said what I said,” he mumbles in reply. His eyes close. He’s getting tired again.</p><p>At this, they start giggling like maniacs. “Oh wait,” Mattsun says. There’s the sound of a zipper, then of rustling papers, and a little “aha!”</p><p>“Your homework,” he declares, slapping the papers loudly against Iwaizumi’s desk. “You are extremely welcome, I will accept your gratitude in the form of after-practice food.”</p><p>“Leave me alone,” Iwaizumi groans. They all laugh at his misery.</p><p>“Goodnight!” Makki and Mattsun call as they exit the house. Oikawa is about to follow them, but Iwaizumi’s arm shoots out. Iwaizumi closes his eyes when he sees Oikawa’s questioning stare.</p><p>He’s blaming his inability to control himself on his illness.</p><p>He is completely in control, however, when he whispers, “Stay.”</p><p>Iwaizumi’s eyes aren’t open, so he doesn’t see the way Oikawa’s mouth falls open, or the smile that it forms after. He does, however, hear the small “okay”.</p><p>After a few minutes of Oikawa sitting on the side of Iwaizumi’s bed, the sick boy’s hand still wrapped around his wrist, Oikawa leans down to whisper in Iwaizumi’s ear, “I’m going to go lock the front door. I’ll be right back, okay?”</p><p>Iwaizumi reluctantly nods, relinquishing his hold on Oikawa’s wrist. Oikawa leaves, and Iwaizumi immediately feels empty.</p><p>Half a minute feels like half an hour, and when Oikawa comes back Iwaizumi uses all the energy he has to pull his boyfriend into bed with him. It’s not a lot, though, and most of it is Oikawa allowing himself to be pulled into Iwaizumi’s arms.</p><p>Oikawa is able to turn off the bedroom light before he’s pulled into bed, so he doesn’t have to get back up once Iwaizumi is asleep.</p><p>When Iwaizumi’s parents get back, they see their sick son cuddling Oikawa in his sleep. Oikawa is also resting, lying still in Iwaizumi’s arms. They take a quick picture and send it to Oikawa’s parents with the message: he’s safe.</p><p>They reply: With his Iwa-chan? He always is.</p><p>And these two children think they’re slick, the parents joke together. Their love is so obvious, anyone could see it.</p><p>Idiot children.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry I haven't updated this story in a while, my schedule is pretty full, and I've been working on finalizing an UshiTen fic, coming soon for those who are interested.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. "You're not perfect."</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Oikawa has been practicing extra hard on his jump serves with a startling intensity that a lot of the juniors hadn’t realized their captain is capable of, and that the seniors are still impressed by.</p><p>Iwaizumi doesn’t like it.</p><p>Every single time Oikawa gets like this, it’s because something is bothering him. He’s the same way after a failed test, or a missed set at match point; working with single-minded focus to get better, be better, do better. He forgoes eating, forgoes sleeping, forgoes anything that could be perceived as a waste of time.</p><p><em>Do better, Tooru,</em> Iwaizumi hears his boyfriend whispering to himself as they walk together through the school. <em>Do better, Tooru.</em></p><p>It’s Iwaizumi’s responsibility to get Oikawa out of this mindset. Well, it’s really not, but he takes it upon himself to get him feeling better, as his best and longest friend, who knows him better than he knows himself.</p><p><em>Do better, Hajime,</em> he thinks quietly to himself as he struggles to drag Oikawa to the cafeteria. Oikawa is screaming, “Iwa-chan, let me go! I’m not hungry! I need to practice!”</p><p>“You’re going to eat!” he yells right back. “You can’t get anything done on an empty stomach! You’re going to kill yourself like that!”</p><p>Oikawa hums a little and falls quiet, no longer struggling against him, instead becoming dead weight on his shoulder, not even trying to walk.</p><p>Iwaizumi drags him a little, but when he looks to his side, Oikawa looks like he’s passed out.</p><p>“Oikawa?” Iwaizumi calls, equal parts concerned and annoyed. The setter doesn’t respond. “Oikawa? Hey, Oikawa, what’s going on? This isn’t funny. Oikawa?” The body almost falls to the floor, but Iwaizumi catches him just in time. He carries him bridal style and Oikawa’s voice echoes around in his head. <em>Aw, Iwa-chan, you make me feel like a princess whenever you carry me like this.</em></p><p>“Hey, Oikawa. Tooru? Tooru, please wake up,” Iwaizumi says desperately. The boy in his arms doesn’t respond. Iwaizumi curses under his breath before breaking into a run, heading as fast as he can towards the nurse’s office.</p><p>When he arrives at the door, he gently places Oikawa’s feet on the floor, supporting his entire body with one arm. He knocks quickly before picking Oikawa up again.</p><p>The nurse opens the door looking bored at first, but her eyes widen in alarm at the sight of an unconscious student. She hurriedly ushers the pair inside, ordering Iwaizumi to lie Oikawa down on the bed.</p><p>She sits Iwaizumi down on a plastic chair by the bed, then asks kindly, “What happened, Iwaizumi-kun?” He looks down, and notices that his hands are trembling. In fact, his entire body is trembling.</p><p>“He’s been practicing a lot, and he hasn’t been eating lunch. I don’t think he’s been sleeping either. He’s been staying late after practice, saying he’ll lock up himself. I was trying to get him to the cafeteria when he- when-” Iwaizumi can’t finish the sentence, guilt suddenly overwhelming him. <em>Do better, Hajime. Why didn’t you do better?</em></p><p>"How long has it been since you first observed this kind of behavior?" the nurse asks urgently. Her overwhelming concern short-circuits Iwaizumi's brain, all his thoughts scattered, making it hard to think.</p><p>"Uh, um, I think, it may have been, uh, I think three days? Maybe four? I don't- I don't know, I'm so sorry-"</p><p>“It’s going to be okay,” the nurse says softly, realizing her tone had caused an anxious reaction in Iwaizumi. “Going off of what you said, he’s probably malnourished, and exhausted. He should wake up in a few hours, tops. When he does, I’ll feed him, and by tomorrow he should be good as new. You can go to class and practice without worrying, okay?” Iwaizumi nods shakily, and she smiles, placing a hand over his. “Now go get your lunch. You don’t want to pass out, too, do you?”</p><p>Iwaizumi thanks her quietly, and leaves on unsteady legs. He doesn’t know how he could eat after what just happened, anxiety taking up all the space in his stomach. Regret tastes bitter on his tongue, and he feels nauseous.</p><p>He goes back to his classroom, waiting for class to start quietly. The students eating their lunches in the classroom avoid him, somehow sensing his bad mood.</p><p>When the teacher comes into class and starts teaching, Iwaizumi finds he can’t focus on any of the words coming out of his mouth. All he can think about is Oikawa, why he’s been so distressed, how he’s doing, when he’s going to wake up.</p><p>“Iwaizumi-kun,” the teacher says suddenly. All eyes snap to him, and he jolts in his seat. “Care to share what you’re thinking about with the entire class?”</p><p>Iwaizumi glances at the blackboard behind the teacher before saying, “Just finding it fascinating how Japan’s history was so impacted by the arrival of Perry and his American fleet, Teacher.” The old man glares at him, unimpressed, but Iwaizumi stares right back until he returns to his lesson. From that point on, Iwaizumi does pay attention, if only to not have all those eyes on him again.</p><p>At practice, the coach makes the announcement that Oikawa will not be joining them for practice today, because he’d passed out during lunch. The team gasps, concerned, and the guilt churning in Iwaizumi grows heavier. <em>Do better, Hajime, do better.</em></p><p>They’re in the middle of practice when Oikawa prances into the gym, still in his school uniform. “Ya-ho!” he calls in greeting, and the team immediately crowds him, asking if he’s okay.</p><p>“I’m fine, I’m fine,” the captain says, laughing off their concern. “The school nurse says I’m not allowed to practice today, though. Coach, she told you, didn’t she?”</p><p>“Yes,” the man says. “I wasn’t expecting you to be here at all.”</p><p>“Well, I thought that just because I can’t physically practice, doesn’t mean I can’t watch and participate in other ways!”</p><p>Kyoutani rolls his eyes. “You shouldn’t have come,” he deadpans. He makes it sound as if he doesn’t want Oikawa there.</p><p>“Mad Dog,” Yahaba smirks, “we all know you’re really just concerned for the health of our dear captain. There’s no need to be such a tsundere.” Yahaba is quite possibly the only person on the team who thinks this, but Kyoutani flushes all the same, exposing his own feelings. The coach rolls his eyes and gets practice started again. Iwaizumi hangs behind, sitting down next to Oikawa when he lowers himself slowly onto a bench.</p><p>“Hey,” Iwaizumi whispers. “Are you feeling okay?”</p><p>Oikawa is only able to nod before the coach is calling, “Hey, vice captain, get back to practice!”</p><p>“Yes Coach!” he yells, before jogging to the court. He turns and looks at Oikawa. <em>We’re going to talk later,</em> he says with his eyes. Oikawa lets out a defeated sigh.</p><p>When practice ends, Oikawa pulls Iwaizumi aside, whispers “I’ll wait for you at the gate,” and then leaves.</p><p>Iwaizumi cleans up, locks the gym, and changes out of his gym clothes in record time, basically flying to the front gate. Oikawa is leaning casually against it, pushing himself off when he catches sight of his boyfriend.</p><p>“So desperate to see me,” Oikawa teases, greeting Iwaizumi with a chaste kiss on the cheek. The ace rolls his eyes before kissing his captain properly.</p><p>“We need to talk,” he murmurs against Oikawa’s lips. The brunet sighs, pulling away only enough to loop his arm around Iwaizumi’s.</p><p>Oikawa stares up at the sky as they walk. “Iwa-chan,” he starts, “I don’t think I’m as good at volleyball as I thought I was.” He turns to look at his boyfriend, who simply raises his eyebrow at him. Oikawa turns back to the sky. “When we fought against Tobio-chan’s team during the Inter-High Tournament. Their libero was picking up my serves like nothing by the end of it. And when we lost against Shiratorizawa- nobody said anything but I know it's because I choked. I- I don’t want to be the weak link, Hajime.” He’s staring into Iwaizumi’s eyes now, and it hurts the ace’s heart, how sincerely his boyfriend means the words he’s saying. How could Iwaizumi have allowed Oikawa to think all these things? How could he have let his boyfriend suffer all alone? <em>Do better, Hajime, do better.</em></p><p>“Oikawa,” he starts, but he stops himself. “Tooru,” he tries, “you are anything but the weak link. You make us so strong. Don’t you ever say anything stupid like that again, got it? You’re amazing, just the way you are.”</p><p>“The way I am didn’t get us to the finals!” Oikawa shouts, tears springing to his eyes. “I need to be perfect if we’re ever going to be able to compete on the level of Shiratorizawa, or Karasuno. And that’s just local! What about nation-wide? Hyogo Prefecture’s Inarizaki team has Miya Atsumu, who’s called the best high school setter by, I don’t know, the entire country! How am I ever going to compete with that, when I can only barely win against Kageyama? How am I ever going to be a professional volleyball player?”</p><p>Iwaizumi stops walking and grabs Oikawa’s shoulders, forcing him to a stand-still as well. “You’re not perfect,” he says. Oikawa rolls his eyes, a sarcastic comment on the tip of his tongue, but Iwaizumi continues before he can say anything. “You don’t have to be. You’re you, with all your imperfections. That’s Aoba Johsai’s setter. You’re the one that we all feel safe relying on, that I feel safe relying on. You keep us going. You, and your killer serves that always terrify the opponents, and your amazing sets that draw out the best in all of us, and your annoying little comments that calm us down, let us keep moving forward. You’re not perfect, but we don’t need perfect. We need Oikawa Tooru. So,” Iwaizumi loops his arm around Oikawa’s this time, using it to pull them into a walk again, “don’t keep practicing until you pass out. That doesn’t help anyone, alright?”</p><p>Oikawa, stunned into silence, simply nods dumbly.</p><p>After walking for several minutes, they arrive at Iwaizumi’s house. When the ace tries to extricate his arm from Oikawa, the setter squeezes his arm against his body.</p><p>“Hey, Oikawa, let go. I have to go inside.”</p><p>“I just really love you a lot,” Oikawa whispers softly, staring into Iwaizumi’s eyes with an intensity that threatens to make his knees buckle. He opens his mouth, trying to say it back, but only a small, painful little choked sound comes out. The stupid, annoying lump in his throat blocks those three little words every time. Iwaizumi’s face immediately flushes, and Oikawa huffs a laugh.</p><p>The setter releases Iwaizumi’s arm, but pulls him into a hug immediately after. “Thank you for being there for me, Iwa-chan, especially when I’m being dumb,” he says into the wing spiker’s hair. “I’ll try to take better care of myself, if only for you.”</p><p>Iwaizumi silently preens at the validation of his efforts to lift Oikawa's mood. <em>You did good,</em> Oikawa's words say. <em>You did good, Hajime.</em> “Thank you,” Iwaizumi whispers back, before abruptly pulling away and quickly heading into the house. Oikawa catches a glimpse of burning red ears and smirks to himself.</p><p>“You should start calling me ‘Tooru’ again!” he calls after Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi sticks his tongue out at his boyfriend in response as he closes the door.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. "I'm yours."</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>lol im bacc hi</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Iwaizumi had just stumbled upon it while grocery shopping. It really isn’t that big of a deal. But Tooru has been complaining for so long about always losing his erasers, and Iwaizumi has always joked back about how if he kept track of his erasers as obsessively as he did his volleyball, he would still have them all.</p>
<p>So of course, when he finds a volleyball-shaped eraser, in a packet with other sports-themed erasers, he has to buy it. It’s not just for Tooru, he justifies to himself. Iwaizumi’s own eraser has gotten pretty small (because he actually keeps track of them long enough for them to get to that size), and Iwaizumi can already feel the satisfaction of rubbing the stupid basketball into nothingness. Nothing personal, of course. (Even if Uemura, the basketball captain of Aoba Johsai, is an absolute rat bastard who’s going to rot in hell. [This has nothing to do with the way Uemura had used his height over Tooru to lean over him and crowd him into the wall while discussing how to split the gym between the two clubs. Nothing at all.])</p>
<p>Iwaizumi buys the erasers, along with the other usual things: vegetables, meats, a ton of snack foods for when Tooru inevitably comes over to his house, a ton of thinly sliced pork for when Tooru inevitably ends up staying for dinner and asks Iwaizumi to make him his “usual.” (Iwaizumi always scolds Tooru, telling the setter that his house isn’t a restaurant, but he always makes sure to keep the house stocked with the boy’s favorite meat anyway.)</p>
<p>The cashier hands him four bags, and he holds two in each hand. As far as grocery days go, this is one of the easier ones. Sometimes, Iwaizumi has to figure out how to feasibly lug five gigantic bags of food home. It’s never easy, and he has occasionally resorted to ridiculous measures to ensure he got home before the food spoiled.</p>
<p>Just as Iwaizumi turns the last corner to his house, he bumps into someone. He steps back, an apology on the tip of his tongue, but when he sees Tooru standing there, he just feels confused.</p>
<p>“Tooru? What are you doing here?”</p>
<p>Said boy smiles vibrantly. “Actually,” he sing-songs, taking two bags from Iwaizumi’s hand into his own, “I was looking for you!”</p>
<p>“Why?” Iwaizumi asks. The moment the word is out of his mouth, he realizes how dismissive and brusque he sounds, and he opens his mouth to make an amendment, but Tooru just smiles in that way that lets Iwaizumi know that he hasn’t messed up.</p>
<p>“Must I have a reason to spend time with my absolute favorite ace?”</p>
<p>Iwaizumi rolls his eyes at the blatant flattery. “Yes. What do you want?”</p>
<p>Tooru pouts overdramatically. “Maybe all I want is to talk to my Iwa-chan! Ah, we’re here.”</p>
<p>As they enter the house, Iwaizumi says to Tooru, “You’re trying to flatter me, I know you’re up to something,” before calling out, “I’m home!”</p>
<p>Tooru also calls out, “I’m home!” as he enters the doorway. Iwaizumi’s mind is suddenly thrown into a fantasy that he has been visiting more and more often. He and Tooru are adults, living together in the same house, married, in name if not by law. Tooru is a pro volleyball player, and after practice, instead of going straight home, he would wait for Iwaizumi’s job to end. Then they would walk home together. They would say, “I’m home,” together, and they would be.</p>
<p>As of right now, though, Iwaizumi just smacks Tooru on the head. “It’s ‘I’m sorry for the intrusion,’ idiot.”</p>
<p>Tooru laughs, but before he can say anything, Iwaizumi’s mother appears at the doorway, wearing an apron and holding a spatula. “Welcome home, my beloved children. You’re back earlier than expected. Come, Tooru, I won’t let you go home with an empty stomach! Stay for lunch.”</p>
<p>“Thank you, Mrs. Iwaizumi,” Tooru says brightly. Then he throws a smirk in Iwaizumi’s way, to which the vice captain simply rolls his eyes as he violently yanks off his shoes. Tooru elegantly slips his own off before following Mrs. Iwaizumi to the kitchen. “Allow me to aid you in putting these groceries away.”</p>
<p>Mrs. Iwaizumi thanks Tooru happily before getting back to her cooking. Iwaizumi follows the pair into the kitchen, where Tooru is carefully removing a head of cabbage from the bag and placing it in the fridge.</p>
<p>“Cabbage, cabbage, cabbage, here… Carrots. Carrots, carrots, carrots, carrots,” the setter mutters to himself, and Iwaizumi snorts as he starts removing things from his own bag.</p>
<p>“Bacon, bacon, bacoooooon,” Iwaizumi says loudly, copying Tooru. “BAAAAACOOOOOON.”</p>
<p>“BEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAANS!” Tooru yells over Iwaizumi’s bacon chant.</p>
<p>“Me and the boys at two a.m.,” Iwaizumi says, and Tooru chokes on his laughter, while Mrs. Iwaizumi simply smiles at their ridiculousness. <em>Ah,</em> she thinks, <em>children are so strange.</em></p>
<p>Tooru wheezes out, “You never quote memes! Who are you and what have you done with my Iwa-chan?!”</p>
<p>“Makki and Mattsun weren’t here to do it, but it was the perfect opportunity, and opportunities such as those are not meant to be wasted,” Iwaizumi says wisely. Tooru just laughs louder.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi’s father suddenly comes into the kitchen, looking distraught. “Did one of you just scream? Are you all alright?”</p>
<p>Mrs. Iwaizumi smiles kindly at her husband. “You’re an idiot,” she says sweetly. “Now help me cook. Chop the carrots for me please.”</p>
<p>“But I just put those away,” Tooru pouts. Iwaizumi laughs.</p>
<p>As Mr. Iwaizumi goes to the fridge to collect the carrots, Tooru suddenly pulls out the box of erasers. “What’s this?” he mumbles to himself as he examines the package.</p>
<p>“Ah, Tooru-” Iwaizumi says before stopping himself. His parents don’t seem to notice. “Oikawa, that’s- give it to me.” Tooru hands the package to him, a confused pout on his lips.</p>
<p>“Mom, can we go upstairs?” Iwaizumi asks.</p>
<p>“Are you finished putting everything away?”</p>
<p>“Yes, ma’am.”</p>
<p>“Go ahead, then.”</p>
<p>Iwaizumi grabs Tooru’s wrist and pulls him up the stairs of his house to his room, even though they both know that Tooru doesn’t need the guidance.</p>
<p>Once they get to the room, Iwaizumi closes the bedroom door before sitting next to Tooru on his bed. Tooru stares at him, confusion practically painted on his face. Iwaizumi concentrates on opening the box, almost ripping it apart in his haste. He then picks out the volleyball one and thrusts it at Tooru.</p>
<p>“For me?” the captain asks. Iwaizumi grunts. Tooru smiles brilliantly.</p>
<p>“Aw, is this about that joke you made before, about how I never lose my volleyball?” Iwaizumi nods stiffly. “Aw, Iwa-chan, I love you so much!”</p>
<p>Iwaizumi rolls his eyes, ignoring the heat of his cheeks. “Yeah, yeah,” he grumbled. “It’s whatever.”</p>
<p>Tooru smiles knowingly. He teases, “Oh well, even if I have yet to completely own your heart, at least I have this volleyball eraser.”</p>
<p>Iwaizumi blinks. “What?”</p>
<p>“What?” Tooru blinks back.</p>
<p>“'I have yet to completely own your heart'?”</p>
<p>Tooru pouts slightly, turning away from his boyfriend. “You never say ‘I love you’ back. I get that it’s hard to say for emotionally repressed angry boys like you,” Iwaizumi makes a small noise of protestation, “but I just… I feel a little unsure sometimes.”</p>
<p>“You really are an idiot,” Iwaizumi sighs. He grabs the taller boy’s shoulders, forces him to look him in the eyes. “I’m yours. Mind, body, soul, and all that. Yours.”</p>
<p>Tooru stares, stunned, before blushing brilliantly. He also has a big dumb smile on his face. “Iwa-chan!” he cries. “You really do love me! I love you so much!”</p>
<p>Iwaizumi awkwardly pats his boyfriend’s back. “Of course I do, stupid,” he grumbles. “You don’t spend over a decade with someone without loving them.” <em>Even if the love is just platonic, or at the very least, very reluctant,</em> Iwaizumi thinks in his head. He doesn’t say it out loud, though; Tooru definitely would not appreciate that. It’s not like Iwaizumi actually feels that way, anyway.</p>
<p>Tooru smiles into Iwaizumi’s shoulder. “So you admit you love me,” he says playfully.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Iwaizumi chokes out. It almost physically hurts to say. At least when he said it before, it was in vague terms. Being able to say “yes” also feels like a step in the right direction, though. <em>See?</em> Iwaizumi brags to the gods. <em>I’m learning.</em></p>
<p>“I’m still not going to actually say it,” the shorter boy says. Tooru pulls away, still smiling brightly.</p>
<p>“It’s okay!” the setter exclaims. “Because I know you’re mine!” Tooru grabs his hands. “And I’m yours, too.”</p>
<p>Iwaizumi rolls his eyes, still adamantly refusing to acknowledge, even in his head, the fact that his face feels like it’s burning. “I know you’re mine,” he says gruffly. He then looks down at their conjoined hands. “Speaking of things that are yours… where is your volleyball eraser?”</p>
<p>Tooru stares at Iwaizumi with wide eyes and a confused smile, computing the question. The setter looks down at their conjoined hands, then sweeps the room quickly with his eyes.</p>
<p>“Ah,” he says after a solid twenty seconds of dead silence, “I seem to have lost it.”</p>
<p>“You what?!” Iwaizumi screams.</p>
<p>They end up searching for the eraser for twenty minutes, finding it right next to Iwaizumi’s own volleyball kept under his bed just as Iwaizumi’s mother calls them down for lunch.</p>
<p>“Aw, look,” Tooru coos once he finds the eraser. “They like each other.”</p>
<p>Iwaizumi huffs a laugh, hastily covering it with a messy cough that has Tooru raising an amused brow at him. “You’re so stupid,” the ace says, way too fondly for it to be offensive in any way. Tooru smiles up at him, and Iwaizumi feels the three words welling up in his throat, stuck there, like a piece of food that just won’t dislodge itself no matter how hard you cough.</p>
<p>“Let’s go eat,” Iwaizumi says instead.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm sorry this took so long. I only become productive in writing when there are other, more serious things that I should be focusing on, like studying for finals. If you'd like a Christmas thingy, I can totally do a Christmas thingy. Only if you want, tho. Consent is important ;)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. "I'm watching."</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Oikawa sighs heavily as he sits backstage, listening as the class president gives her little speech before introducing the first act of the night, some girl playing the piano. <em>Basic,</em> he thinks to himself with a sneer, before remembering that he's singing, which is quite possibly even more basic than playing the piano.</p><p>This talent show was supposed to be exciting. It was, at first, practicing his singing almost as diligently as he did volleyball, going through his entire closet before deciding that he would have to buy a new outfit for the show, dragging his Iwa-chan through various clothing shops in search of The Suit. But then Iwa-chan had pulled him aside, after practice ended on the day before the showcase, to tell him that he wouldn’t be able to go see him; something about his grandparents coming over, and not being able to miss the bi-monthly family dinner. Oikawa understands; of course he understands, he’s been best friends with Iwa-chan since they were cute, tiny babies, and he’s even been invited to a few of these dinners.</p><p>That doesn’t mean he can’t feel upset about it, though, and after he got home that night, Oikawa had stuffed his face with ice cream and fallen asleep on the couch, skipping dinner. When he woke up that morning, it was to an especially endearing “good morning… &lt;3” text from Iwa-chan and a warm fluffy blanket that he had been tucked into some time while he was sleeping. It made him feel a little better, but he still felt sad that his boyfriend wasn’t going to be there to cheer him on for the first time he would be singing publicly.</p><p><em>It’s not even like singing is all that important to me,</em> Oikawa had thought angrily to himself as he dressed for school, <em>but if Iwa-chan ever did anything where he needed someone’s support, I would drop everything to be by his side.</em></p><p><em>That's not fair,</em> a kinder, smaller voice deep within him said. <em>You know he’d drop anything to support you. He just has his priorities straight, unlike you.</em></p><p>Oikawa decided that he didn’t like that voice and promptly told it to go away.</p><p>That day, at school, Oikawa did his best to spend as much time with his Iwa-chan as possible. It helped that his boyfriend also seemed to want the same thing, though he was more covert about it. Whereas Oikawa chased his boyfriend around school and complained loudly when they were separated, Iwa-chan stuck to Oikawa’s side like glue in hallways, and glared at any of Oikawa’s fangirls who came too close. The girls had really gone all out in their support of Oikawa’s performance at the school talent show. They had again made new shirts with Oikawa’s face on them, but this time, instead of reading “#1 Setter” they read “#1 Singer”. It would be touching, if it wasn’t so creepy.</p><p>He said as much to Iwa-chan, and the ace agreed aggressively. “I get that your face is really nice to look at or whatever but why they feel the need to plaster it on every surface possible I will never understand,” he growled semi-possessively.</p><p>“Aw,” Oikawa had cooed, “you think my face is nice to look at!”</p><p>“Of course I do,” Iwa-chan had snapped back. “You’re the hottest person in the world.”</p><p>Iwa-chan had blushed so prettily as he said that, too. They’re working on Iwa-chan’s compliments. It’s better than when they first started dating, and compliments only came back-handed, but his tone while saying them still needs work.</p><p>Oikawa smiles to himself at the thought of a kind compliment coming from his Iwa-chan’s lips, softly whispered into his ear. He then frowns, because <em>oh yeah, I’m not going to get that because Iwa-chan is off having a grand old time with his family and he’s not going to see me perform.</em></p><p>It’s not like Iwaizumi really needs to, though. He’s watched Tooru practice singing that song so many times, it’s stuck in his head. Tooru does very well under pressure 一 there’s a reason he was chosen as captain of the volleyball team 一 so Iwaizumi knows he will perform beautifully at the show.</p><p>Even despite that, though, Iwaizumi still feels the need to see his boyfriend perform, if only to be able to genuinely tell him that he did well. So, the morning of the show, he called up a friend in the student council and asked him to set up a live feed of the performances. Luckily, the friend had agreed.</p><p>Iwaizumi hums along as his father tells some “funny” story about the “shenanigans” that his rascal son and his best friend had involved themselves in, quickly checking the live feed. Some girl playing the piano just finishes, and he takes a quick glance at the program. Oikawa is up in two acts.</p><p>“Hey, Grandma, Grandpa, Mom, Dad, can you excuse me for a little bit. I have to-”</p><p>“-see Tooru-kun perform? We know. Wish him good luck for us,” Iwaizumi’s mother said. She immediately went back to the story. “-and then he screamed ‘Beans!’ clutching the frozen bag with a death grip! Why, I’ve never been so amused and concerned-”</p><p>Iwaizumi darts up the steps, throws open his bedroom door, and tosses himself onto his bed. He makes sure that there’s still time before Tooru has to prepare himself for his act, then texts him.</p><p>“‘I was able to step away from the dinner for a little bit’?” Oikawa reads aloud. “What does that matter if he’s not even here to see it?”</p><p>Iwaizumi stares at the response. Does Tooru not know that there are live recordings being posted on various social media platforms?</p><p>“Do I not know- what? Wait, that means-”</p><p>“God, what an idiot-”</p><p><strong>Iwa-chan:</strong> im watching</p><p>Two words have never made Oikawa happier. He squeals and hugs his phone to his chest. Suddenly, he feels like he can do anything.</p><p>“Oikawa-senpai? You’re on deck,” a nervous looking second-year girl whispers. The captain nods, the wide smile not leaving his face. Now that he knows his Iwa-chan is watching him, he is filled with immeasurable joy. The girl looks out on stage, and then nods at him. Oikawa nods back.</p><p>Iwa-chan is watching me, he thinks as he confidently steps onto the stage. Iwa-chan is watching me, he thinks as he sings his heart out. Iwa-chan is watching me, he thinks as the crowd cheers for him as he leaves the stage.</p><p>Oikawa’s phone rings, though thankfully he’s already in the green room. It’s Iwa-chan. “Ya-ho!” he greets. “How was it?”</p><p>“You were amazing, Tooru,” Iwa-chan says. “Everything was perfect. If they don’t give you first place I’m suing.” Oikawa laughs.</p><p>“Thanks. Thank you for letting me practice in front of you, and watching the live broadcast.”</p><p>“I know how important it is to you,” Iwa-chan says, as if that’s all the reason he needs to ditch his family dinner for a few sacrilegious minutes. “I’m just sorry I couldn’t be there to see you in person.”</p><p>Oikawa smiles, and even though Iwa-chan isn’t there to see it, it feels like he is. “It’s fine,” Oikawa responds. “Just knowing you were watching is enough.”</p><p>Iwaizumi plays with the hem of his shirt, struggling internally, spitting out, “Of course I’m watching you, I-... I… I have to go back to dinner, good night Tooru.” He cuts the call, shoves his face into his pillow, and screams before reluctantly leaving his bed and heading back to the dining area.</p><p>One day, he’ll be able to say it. One day.</p><p>Oikawa stares down at his phone, blinking down at it in confusion, before he lets a small, excited smile form on his face. <em>He almost said it, didn’t he?</em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry this one's pretty short, I'll have another, longer chapter on Christmas?? Maybe a bit later, because I'm a master procrastinator, but I'll try for Christmas.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. "I want to be someone who deserves you."</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>One of the hardest things about being close to someone for a really long time is that you run out of presents to give them.</p>
<p>Christmas doesn’t even matter that much; it’s not like people in Japan celebrate it, beyond going to KFC. However, Iwaizumi just knows that Tooru’s going to give him a present, just as he has every single year, and it’s going to be the perfect gift, just like it has been every single year, because Tooru knows him so well, and his boyfriend is quite possibly the most attentive human being to ever exist.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi wants to give Tooru something that he really wants, too. He wants so badly to see the ear-to-ear smile on his beautiful boyfriend’s face as he hands him the gift of his dreams.</p>
<p>The problem is, he’s run out of gifts, after all these years, and gag gifts like alien plushies and moon-truther sweaters aren’t going to cut it anymore, now that they’re dating. It’s not even like Tooru is secretive about all the things he wants. He complains endlessly, about anything and everything.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi has just never been good at listening.</p>
<p>So, in order to get Tooru the perfect gift, he resolves to get better at listening. He does his best to concentrate and follow Tooru’s train of thought as the boy rambles on and on about anything and everything. Iwaizumi nods along like he always has, except this time, he’s carefully storing away any new information about Tooru that he doesn’t know, even after the years of being his best friend.</p>
<p>When Iwaizumi gets home, getting a good night kiss from his boyfriend at the door that almost clears his mind of all the knowledge he’s carefully gathered over the past fifteen minutes, he darts up the stairs to his room as fast as he can, stuttering out a quick salutation to his parents. He stumbles into his room, and tosses his schoolbag into some corner before pulling an untouched notebook from his bookshelf. He sets it down on his desk and grabs a pen before jotting down the things that Tooru had talked about.</p>
<p>“Doesn’t like the soccer team,” he says aloud as he writes, “doesn’t like the smell of smoke, doesn’t like loud cars or vehicles in general. Likes walking with me, the eraser I gave him, volleyball. Hates Mr. Hashimoto. Really, really hates Mr. Hashimoto. Uh, he also likes the little flowers, on the sides of the street. He likes puns, nicknames.” Iwaizumi goes on like this for a while, listing off all the things he knows about Tooru after a little over a decade of best-friendship. Iwaizumi feels proud of the sizable list accumulated. It makes him feel a bit reassured; of course he knows Tooru likes cute things, of course he knows that Tooru can’t sleep without the stuffed koala Iwaizumi had begged his parents for, to give to Tooru as a birthday present back when they were seven years old. Of course he knows his boyfriend well. Of course he does.</p>
<p>The list still doesn’t feel long enough, though. Iwaizumi starts taking his Tooru notebook with him everywhere, along with a pen that has a little volleyball charm hanging off its end, a present Tooru had bought him for his fourteenth birthday. Maybe it was his fifteenth. Iwaizumi isn’t sure, but the pen has a replaceable ink cartridge, so he’s been using it since. At the time, he had justified it as just being resourceful and saving money. Now, Iwaizumi knows it’s really because the pen means so much more simply because Tooru had carefully chosen this pen to gift to him, above all others. It reminds him of how Tooru is always thinking of him, knowing exactly what he wants.</p>
<p>After several days of writing notes on little offhand comments that Tooru makes, that would normally be forgotten by Iwaizumi if he hadn’t written them down, the volleyball captain finally gets curious enough to ask about it.</p>
<p>It’s break time, and Tooru is complaining about how this week, the guy sitting next to him in class (a soccer player, and the main reason Tooru hates the soccer team) was constantly bothering him with stupid questions that wouldn’t need to be asked had he been paying attention in class in the first place. “What are you writing, Iwa-chan?” Tooru suddenly asks as he leans closer to the other boy to try to peek at the notebook.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi huffs out a quick, not-curiosity-inducing-at-all, “Nothing, shut up.”</p>
<p>“Aww,” Tooru coos, “are you writing in a diary? Won’t you let me read it? Pretty please? You’re writing about me, aren’t you?”</p>
<p>At Tooru’s excited smile, Iwaizumi can’t help but let his angry facade crack a little, a little upward twitch of the lips that no one but Tooru could probably see. “You’re wrong, and I’m not letting you read.” The statement has an air of finality to it, and Tooru sighs dramatically as he deflates.</p>
<p>“You’re a meanie,” he mutters. “And you’re totally lying. You only write stuff when I speak, so I know for sure you’re writing something about me.”</p>
<p>“When I said you’re wrong, I meant that I’m not keeping a diary,” Iwaizumi clarifies, though he instantly regrets it.</p>
<p>“So you are writing about me!” Tooru declares triumphantly. Iwaizumi slams his face into his desk and groans, but that only proves Tooru right. “Aww, Iwa-chan, now you really have to let me read it! What are you writing, if not a diary entry?”</p>
<p>Iwaizumi hugs the notebook close to his chest, adamantly refusing to let go. “No,” he says as seriously as he can. “I will never let you read it.” Nevermind that halfway through Tooru’s story with the soccer player, Iwaizumi’s mind had inevitably wandered and he’d written “Tooru looks really cute when he’s irritated” instead of anything pertaining to his troubles.</p>
<p>As they walk home together that night, Iwaizumi notices how Tooru slows down in front of the local jewelry shop, how his eyes drag over the pretty stones and shiny metals. It stays with him the rest of the walk home, how Tooru’s eyes had been so wistful, for just a fraction of a second, before his face had a carefully neutral smile again.</p>
<p>Once he gets home, Iwaizumi writes in the Tooru notebook about potential jewelry options, colors, designs, this time not even deterred in the slightest by Tooru’s goodnight kiss. The following weekend, Iwaizumi heads to the jewelry store Tooru had so longingly looked at, finds a ring with a gem the color of Seijoh blue embedded in it. It does a number on his wallet, but he can already see the happiness on Tooru’s face, and he knows it will be all worth it.</p>
<p>Christmas finally arrives, and Iwaizumi pats his uniform pants pocket, where the ring box sits, just waiting to be given to Tooru. Iwaizumi can’t wait for school to be over.</p>
<p>The moment the last school bell rings, Iwaizumi is rushing over to Tooru, essentially dragging him out of the school and over to the playground they had played in often as little kids. There’s no one else there, since there’s a larger, more popular playground in the same general area, so they have the place to themselves.</p>
<p>“Wow, Iwa-chan,” Tooru teases, “so eager to drag me away. What is it?”</p>
<p>The vice-captain reaches into his pocket, half-expecting the box to have suddenly vanished for no reason at all. The box is still there, however, and he pulls it out.</p>
<p>“This isn’t like a proposal or anything,” he mumbles, “so don’t expect me to get on one knee or have a fancy speech ready or whatever. But I just…” I love you. “I just want to stay by your side. And this is to remind you that I am. At your side. Whatever, here, look at it.” Iwaizumi gives the box to Tooru, who opens it as reverently as one might open a centuries-old pirate’s treasure chest. He gasps, and smiles that wide smile that Iwaizumi had envisioned in his mind when he had bought the ring. It’s infectious, and Iwaizumi’s smiling, too. “Merry Christmas, Tooru,” Iwaizumi whispers.</p>
<p>“Merry Christmas, Iwa-chan,” Tooru smiles. “Though, it’s kind of funny. Do you want to see my Christmas present for you?”</p>
<p>“Well, I suppose, since it’s my present,” Iwaizumi says sarcastically, before holding out his hands expectantly. Tooru smirks, and pulls out a familiar looking box from his pocket. “No way,” Iwaizumi whispers.</p>
<p>“Yes way,” Tooru laughs loudly as he proudly presents a ring. It’s a different design, but the color of the gems is still the same Seijoh blue. It makes Iwaizumi laugh as well.</p>
<p>“Oh wow,” Iwaizumi wheezes. “That’s amazing. We really are on the same wavelength.”</p>
<p>Tooru holds the ring out, and Iwaizumi offers his hand, like one would after being proposed to. Tooru slides the ring onto his right ring finger, and it fits perfectly. Iwaizumi smiles softly down at the ring. He can’t help but think it looks beautiful there. Tooru slides on his own ring, and happily declares, “We’re matching!”</p>
<p>“Wow, it’s almost like we’re a couple,” Iwaizumi says sarcastically, with an easy smile on his face.</p>
<p>“Let’s celebrate our relationship with tons of fried chicken! I’ll buy! Consider it an extra Christmas present from me!”</p>
<p>Several days later, the beginning of winter break finds the pair of them relaxing in Tooru’s room, sitting on the floor, their backs supported by the bed. Iwaizumi is just the right height to be able to tuck his head into the crook of Oikawa’s neck, and it’s just about the nicest thing in the world. “We’re like two pieces of a puzzle,” Tooru had said once, on another lazy day like this. “We just fit together. There’s no one else who could be by my side but you.”</p>
<p>“That’s so cheesy,” Iwaizumi had said then. Here he is now, though, thinking cheesy thoughts.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi’s Tooru notebook sits innocently on Tooru’s desk, along with the volleyball pen. “I really, really want to know what’s in your notebook,” Tooru mumbles sleepily. “But I don’t want to press. If it’s really private, you can keep it to yourself. Boundaries, or whatever. But I really, really want to know.” Tooru plays with the ring Iwaizumi gave him. He hadn’t taken it off since he first put it on, except to shower.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi twists his head up slightly to try and see Tooru’s face, but with them lying against each other in the way that they are, his face is just out of sight.</p>
<p>It’s not like this notebook is one of Iwaizumi’s boundaries. Sure, it’s embarrassing, but more embarrassing things have happened. It’s just, he’s not really sure what the notebook is anymore. It had started out as something Iwaizumi was trying to use to get Tooru the “perfect present” or something, but soon it had devolved into a mess of random things Tooru says throughout the average day, a smorgasbord of random little notes of “Tooru looks cute when he’s doing this” or “Tooru’s always humming that one amusement park’s ad song and I think he’s trying to tell me something.” Christmas was over now, and he’d chosen out a gift even before that. So really, for a few weeks now, he’s been writing in the Tooru notebook purely for his own benefit. He likes writing these things down, ensuring he doesn’t forget anything about the person he loves most in his life.</p>
<p>“I just write random things, it’s really nothing important,” Iwaizumi mumbles back, “but if you want to read it that badly, be my guest.”</p>
<p>Tooru suddenly perks up and kisses the top of his head before gently moving Iwaizumi’s body to rest fully against the bed, pulling himself up to go get the notebook.</p>
<p>The captain plops back down next to Iwaizumi, notebook in hand, and Iwaizumi promptly lays his head back on Tooru’s shoulder. Tooru turns to the first page, reading through the list of likes and dislikes, laughing a little at some of the points.</p>
<p>“I really do hate the soccer team, and Mr. Hashimoto. The soccer guys are useless idiots who don’t pay attention, and then Hashimoto gets mad at me for talking to them, or not helping a fellow student in need. It’s so stupid.”</p>
<p>A few pages later and he reaches the gift brainstorming page. “Aw, Iwa-chan, you have my favorite colors written down here and everything! You were super thorough in choosing this ring out for me, huh?” Iwaizumi rolls his eyes.</p>
<p>“I know you put just as much effort, if not more, in choosing out my ring, you just didn’t write the entire process down, so shut up.”</p>
<p>Tooru eventually reads through the entire notebook, and by the time he finally closes it, both parties are a blushing mess. “You really are super detailed with this notebook all about me. You do know me well, you’re the best boyfriend ever!”</p>
<p>“Shut up,” Iwaizumi grumbles, violently shoving his red face into Tooru’s shoulder in an attempt to hide his blush.</p>
<p>Tooru giggles. “Your ears are red. That’s so cute, Iwa-chan.” He then stares at the notebook in silence for a little while. Finally, Tooru breaks the silence by saying, “Why did you start writing this?”</p>
<p>Iwaizumi sighs heavily before forcing himself to sit up properly, facing Tooru. “I’m really bad at listening for long periods of time without forgetting stuff, and sometimes the things I forget are important to you,” he explains, but he finds that he can’t make eye contact while saying it. Instead, he focuses on the bridge of Tooru’s nose. What an elegant nose it is. Everything about Tooru is so pretty.</p>
<p>“You know I don’t mind,” Tooru replies softly. “We’ve been dating for several months now, and we’ve been best friends for years before that. I’m used to how you are.”</p>
<p>“I know you’re used to it,” Iwaizumi says, “but you shouldn’t have to be. You deserve better than that. That’s why I started writing in the notebook about you. I don’t know, I just… I want to be someone who deserves you.”</p>
<p>“You already are,” Tooru smiles brilliantly, his hands coming up to cup Iwaizumi’s face. “You’re everything I could ever want and more.” Tooru playfully pecks Iwaizumi on the lips. “But I really appreciate the effort. It makes me want to be a better boyfriend, too.”</p>
<p>“That’s physically impossible,” Iwaizumi immediately retorts. “You’re already too perfect. You’re not allowed to be better than perfect. Better than perfect doesn’t exist.”</p>
<p>“Hmm, but then I guess your existence defies the laws of the universe, because I think you’re ten million times better than perfect.”</p>
<p>They both break into peals of laughter, before Tooru settles back against the bed again, and Iwaizumi tucks himself into the other boy.</p>
<p>“That was the cheesiest thing I’ve ever heard,” Iwaizumi chuckles.</p>
<p>“Ah, but on the fifth page of the notebook, you wrote, and I quote, ‘It’s cute when Tooru’s being cheesy.’ So really, I think I’m justified in my cheesiness.”</p>
<p>Iwaizumi feels his cheeks heating up again. “Shut up, Loserkawa.”</p>
<p>Tooru simply says happily, “I love you, too.”</p>
<p>Iwaizumi wants to say it back. The words burn like acid in his throat. But, in this moment, sitting here with the love of his life, a ring on his finger to remind him of his boyfriend’s love, and a matching ring on his boyfriend’s finger is enough.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hahaha sorry I procrastinated super hard on this but like it's not like Christmas is that important anyways (at least not in Japan)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. "I know."</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>im back lmao</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Just like Tooru knows Iwaizumi’s grandparents, Iwaizumi knew Tooru’s grandparents. His maternal grandfather and paternal grandmother died before they were born, but the childhood friends have memories of the remaining grandparents. Iwaizumi also remembers Tooru’s grandfather’s funeral, back when they were ten, though the memory is somewhat blurred by time. He remembers Tooru smiling until everyone went away. He remembers how the boy broke down into tears afterwards.</p><p>Iwaizumi stares at the picture of Tooru’s grandmother, back when she was about college age. She beams at the camera, and her smile looks painfully familiar. After all those years, she still smiled the same.</p><p>“Come, Tooru-kun, Hajime-kun,” she would call out. “I have some healthy snacks for you to enjoy.” She would smile that smile, and they would instantly know that whatever snack she had prepared was decidedly not-healthy and probably ten times better-tasting than any healthy snack could ever hope to be.</p><p>“Wasn’t she pretty?” Tooru says brightly. “Kinda like me, don’t you think?”</p><p>Iwaizumi gently places his little bundle of flowers in the vase provided, before stepping back to look at the gravestone.</p><p>“She was beautiful,” Iwaizumi agrees softly as he places a hand on the small of Tooru’s back. “Just like you.”</p><p>Tooru tries to laugh, but it comes out strangled and wrong.</p><p>Iwaizumi slides his arm around Tooru’s waist, leaning into the taller boy and giving him a half hug. I’m here, he tries to say. I’m always going to be here.</p><p>Tooru turns towards him and wraps him up in his long arms in a tight embrace, shoving his face into the crook of his neck and exhaling harshly. Iwaizumi’s trembling hands climb up Tooru’s back to return the hug. He’s not good with words, but this - physical comfort, being a shoulder to cry on - is something he can do.</p><p>“She was always there for me,” Tooru sobs into his shoulder. “She always made herself available, always was there for me when my parents couldn’t be. And I never… I didn’t visit her often at all. I should’ve visited her more often. She must’ve been so lonely.”</p><p>Iwaizumi hugs him tighter.</p><p>“She was so kind and loving. And then she started forgetting, and then she had to go to that nursing home, and it smelled so bad, and the other aunts and uncles there were so weird and I didn’t want to go there. Iwa, I didn’t want to visit my own grandmother because I didn’t like how the nursing home smelled. I- I’m such a horrible grandson, a horrible person-”</p><p>“You’re not horrible,” Iwaizumi interrupts. “Please don’t talk about yourself like that.”</p><p>“But it’s true,” Tooru whispers, and he sounds so broken that it destroys Iwaizumi’s soul just thinking about how awful his boyfriend must be feeling. “I could’ve… I should have visited her more often. Even when she didn’t know who I was, she looked so happy that someone was there with her, but it just… It broke my heart, to see her like that, lying on that bed, barely able to move around, because all I could think of was her back when she was healthy. I’m so selfish!”</p><p>Tooru cries, and his hiccuped breaths against Iwaizumi’s shoulder sound painful. Iwaizumi tries his best to comfort him by gently patting his back.</p><p>“I was so awful,” Tooru says through his tears, “but I really, really loved her. I loved her- I love her so much. I can’t believe she’s gone.”</p><p>“I know,” Iwaizumi whispers into Tooru’s hair. “I know.”</p><p>They stand there for several more minutes, not caring about the strangers passing them by, giving them looks.</p><p>Once Tooru calms down, Iwaizumi steps back a little, and the other boy stares at him, eyes looking lost. “Wanna go to Joyfull?” Iwaizumi asks hesitantly.</p><p>Tooru smiles shakily. “Only if you pay for everything.”</p><p>Iwaizumi smiles back. Just this feels like a victory. When his grandfather had died, Tooru had refused to see anyone, even Iwaizumi, for two weeks.</p><p>“I know,” Iwaizumi replies, dramatically rolling his eyes. Tooru huffs a little laugh, before his expression becomes despondent again.</p><p>Iwaizumi curls his arm around Tooru’s, and Tooru leans into the touch.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>is this me venting unresolved feelings from my grandma's death? M A Y B E</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. "Goodbye."</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tooru laughs humorlessly. “So, what?” he bitterly says. “This is it? We’re done?”</p><p>Iwaizumi reaches out, but Tooru flinches away. It hurts more than it has any right to. “Please, Tooru,” Iwaizumi begs quietly. “Don’t be like this. You know that I-”</p><p>His voice breaks. Even now, he can’t say those three stupid words around the lump in his throat. Even now, when his entire world is falling apart, and the only thing that can stop it are those words. “Please,” he says instead, trying to cram all of his emotions into that one word, begging Tooru to <em>understand, be patient with me, I need you here.</em></p><p>Tooru laughs again, but tears cloud his beautiful eyes, and his laugh sounds more like a wet cough. “You can’t say it,” he whispers. “How many times have I told you that I love you? How many times have you avoided saying it back? It’s been years, Iwaizumi, years.” And it hurts in a way Iwaizumi doesn’t expect when Tooru calls him “Iwaizumi”. He hasn’t heard that name from his lips in many, many years, back when they were hurt children trying to understand that it’s okay to love each other.</p><p>Iwaizumi knows it’s okay to love Tooru, but maybe some small part of him is stuck in that place, feeling small, and weird, and disgusting.</p><p>“Stay,” Iwaizumi whispers. “Please, please stay. I- I’m trying, you know I’m trying-”</p><p>“But trying isn’t getting us anywhere, is it?” Tooru hisses.</p><p>Iwaizumi can feel cracks forming in his heart, slowly tearing it into pieces, and it’s excruciating. “Please, Tooru,” he whispers. “Don’t do this.”</p><p>Tooru looks at him straight in the eyes. “I have to,” he whispers, and he doesn’t sound cold anymore. He just sounds tired. Hurt. Small in a way he should never have to feel. “I have to do this for me, and for you. I know-” he says before Iwaizumi can interrupt, “-you’re hurting, too. You can’t say ‘I love you’ for a reason.” Iwaizumi sobs quietly. “There are some things you need to figure out for yourself. I need to figure some things out for myself, too. That’s why we have to- I have to-” Tooru breaks off with a sob. Iwaizumi wants nothing more than to wrap him up in his arms. It’s not his place to, now. “I have to leave.”</p><p>“Leave… me?”</p><p>“Leave you, leave here, leave… everything.”</p><p>“Tooru, what are you saying-”</p><p>“I’m moving to Argentina.”</p><p>“What-”</p><p>“April Fools.”</p><p>“What?!”</p><p>Tooru turns to the reader, smiles, and slowly repeats, “April Fools. Get punk’d, loser.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Happy April Fool's Day, the ending sucks I know, but I wrote this in like five minutes so don't judge me too hard, a real chapter will be out Soon</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. "Did you get home okay?"</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Iwaizumi and Tooru always walk home together. In all their time going to school, as long as they both went to school together, they walked home together. It’s never been any different, and there’s never been any reason to change this routine. Even when Tooru had gotten that one girlfriend, he always walked with Iwaizumi, with the poor girl third-wheeling sometimes. Iwaizumi always felt more than a little guilty, but he was willing to stomach it if it meant he didn’t lose those precious few minutes, walking with Tooru, even if they were spent in silence.</p><p>Even when Tooru practices way after coach leaves them the key, Iwaizumi stubbornly stays and waits for him, even texting Tooru’s parents (whose numbers he got in case of any Tooru-related emergencies after Tooru fainted into his arms) as well as his own that they’ll be late getting home.</p><p>Which is why Iwaizumi is confused, to say the least, when Tooru, after thankfully taking the key from their coach, says to him with forced casualness, “Hey, you should go back home without me. I’ll be staying here pretty long.”</p><p>Iwaizumi’s heart seizes, and he frantically tries to recall every interaction they’ve had in the last day. Tooru’s always pretty upfront whenever he’s mad at Iwaizumi, and he hasn’t been acting frustrated with him at all. In fact, it’s the opposite. During lunch time, earlier that day, Tooru had completely forgone entertaining his fangirls in favor of slinging his arm around Iwaizumi’s shoulders and immersing them in an extensive conversation about the existence of alien lifeforms in space, which is as close as Tooru is willing to get to telling the crazed girls to back off. Last night, Tooru had come over to Iwaizumi’s house, citing their upcoming test and his need to study with someone as justification for staying over. They both know full well that Tooru does not need to study, and even if he did, he doesn’t need a distraction in the form of “my overwhelmingly sexy boyfriend Iwa-chan” in order to do so. Just as Iwaizumi thought, they didn’t end up studying. Tooru had used his height to his advantage, crowding Iwaizumi backwards into his bed.</p><p>“Let’s just cuddle,” Tooru had sighed, pulling Iwaizumi into his arms, and with Tooru looking so content, how could Iwaizumi possibly have said no?</p><p>So Tooru’s definitely not mad at him. Is he feeling guilty about something? No, Tooru distances himself from Iwaizumi when he’s feeling guilty. They’ve spent so much time together both today and yesterday that it can’t possibly be that.</p><p>“Iwa-chan?” Tooru calls. Iwaizumi’s mind snaps back to the present. Tooru laughs a little, and something in Iwaizumi’s heart eases just a little. That laugh was genuine. He’s okay; they’re okay. “Don’t overthink things,” Tooru scolds lightly. “Just go home first, okay? You can even call me later, if you're so concerned.”</p><p>Iwaizumi rolls his eyes, and now that the relief that nothing is wrong is gone, he just feels frustrated that he let this simple little thing get to him so much. He grunts affirmatively, and makes his way out of the gym.</p><p>“I love you!” Tooru calls after him brightly. Iwaizumi flips his boyfriend off, but he can feel his ears burning, and Tooru’s delighted laugh proves that he sees it.</p><p>Iwaizumi walks home slowly, and tries desperately not to miss the constant warmth that Tooru provides whenever they walk together, whether it be through linked arms, an arm tossed casually over his shoulder, or even a hand on his waist, when Tooru is feeling particularly carefree.</p><p>The walk feels so much longer without his boyfriend filling the silence with his endless rambling about anything and everything.</p><p>When he finally gets home, the first thing he does is check his phone. He’s got one text from Tooru: “I’m going home now!” it says. It was sent ten minutes ago, and with how intensely fast Tooru speedwalks, he’s probably already almost home.</p><p>“Welcome home,” his mother says pointedly.</p><p>Iwaizumi startles, then laughs awkwardly, “Ah, I’m home.” He kicks off his shoes before heading to his room.</p><p>“Dinner’s going to be ready in ten minutes!” his mother calls after him. Iwaizumi yells back an affirmative before locking himself in his room.</p><p>He stares at his phone until five minutes have passed, and then calls Tooru. He picks up at the third ring.</p><p>“Hello!” he says happily into the phone.</p><p>“Hey, Tooru,” Iwaizumi greets.</p><p>"You actually called," Tooru says with something like awe in his voice. "So? Anything you want to say to me?"</p><p>Suddenly, Iwaizumi realizes he has nothing to actually say. The only thing he's been able to think about this entire time is hearing Tooru's voice; he has no conversation planned. "Did you get home okay?" Iwaizumi asks, saying the first thing that came to his mind. He wasn't really thinking about it, but now that the question has left his mouth, he suddenly feels the need to know the answer. They've always walked home together; what if something happened to Tooru on the one day Iwaizumi wasn't there to protect him?</p><p>“Is that all,” Tooru chuckles. “To answer your question, yes, I did get home okay." Iwaizumi swallows a relieved sigh. "I- shut up. I have to go now, but I love you, and I’ll go to yours tomorrow morning, okay? Don’t be late!”</p><p>“Says the one who’s always late,” Iwaizumi laughs.</p><p>“Iwa-chan, mean,” Tooru whines into the phone, and Iwaizumi laughs again.</p><p>Iwaizumi thinks he hears laughter over the line, and he asks, “Hey, is anyone there with you?”</p><p>“Oh, it’s Makki and Mattsun,” Tooru says casually. “We’re planning for your- uh I mean our test, we’re, we’re planning for that, by studying! We are studying and planning for our test. Studying is planning for our test. That is… what we are doing.”</p><p>“I thought you didn’t need to study,” Iwaizumi says suspiciously.</p><p>“Uh, this is for a different class?” Tooru says hesitantly. Iwaizumi rolls his eyes.</p><p>“We’re in the same class, Stupid-Kawa, we only have a test in one class coming up. What are you-”</p><p>“AH, IWA-CHAN, I CAN’T HEAR YOU ANYMORE, MY CONNECTION MUST BE REALLY UNSTABLE- SHUT UP MAKKI - OH NO I GUESS WE’LL JUST HAVE TO TALK TOMORROW GOOD NIGHT I LOVE YOU!” The call beeps before Iwaizumi can say anything.</p><p>That was strange, to say the least. And Iwaizumi hates it when Tooru keeps things from him. But Tooru is safe, and he’s with friends.</p><p>And he said “I love you.” With how often Tooru says it now, it really shouldn’t make Iwaizumi still feel like floating. Shouldn’t he be used to this by now?</p><p>“I love you,” Tooru says, like it’s nothing, like Iwaizumi’s everything. Iwaizumi wonders if Tooru hears it in Iwaizumi's voice, whenever he speaks. <em>I need you here. Please stay forever. You’re my everything. Never let go. I love you. I love you. I love you.</em></p><p>Just thinking about saying the words out loud makes his throat seize up painfully, but really, Iwaizumi has said it a whole bunch of times by now. He wonders if Tooru hears it.</p><p>He hopes he hears it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If you want to suggest other ways for Iwaizumi to say "I love you," feel free to leave any ideas in the comments!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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